Graphic by Kayla Otero
Content notice: disordered eating and body image
How often does a Hufflepuff change to a Slytherin? Typically, I would call it rare — though the transition between my January and December Pottermore tests begs to differ. It is safe to say that no one — other than scientists and fortune-tellers — had 2020 vision. Rest in peace to those 20 pages of bucket list completion tracking.
The previous year was a blur of confusion. When the coronavirus lockdown commenced, it seemed like the perfect opportunity to finally “get our lives together.” With endless amounts of free time, we could conquer everything: finish the book that has been sitting on our bedside table for months, master bread making, become fluent in a second language … the list is endless. The second the school bell rang, I decided to get a jump start on my assignments. My theory was that if I could begin quarantine with motivation, I could end with motivation.
That did not happen.
2020 reminds me of a quote from Macbeth, when he says, “Then comes my fit again. I had else been perfect.” Everything was beautifully in place — I had months to work on personal projects and developments, get ahead in my courses, and take free classes online. Then came my “fit,” which flattened the curve of my motivation and diminished my overall productivity and health.
Students were expected to go above and beyond while working from home. Not only did I participate in excessive (and exhausting) activities based on my own unrealistic expectations, I encouraged this poisonous productivity culture to others through my studygram (study-themed Instagram) of 2,600+ followers. Though the study community on social media was kind, I found myself stuck in a never-ending cycle. I felt the need to post a completed to-do list of 18 tasks, because everyone else did. People posted about taking multiple free online courses, as if it was something they achieved every week. I was the image of “persistence” — and I despised it. I recall lying in bed, reflecting on a comment that read, “You are so productive! I wish I could be as happy while doing work as you, LOL.” This was a problem — I was certainly not happy, and I was certainly emotionally drained. The culture of “workaholics” peaked in 2020 — and I was the prey and predator.
People struggled with their physical health. We chanted things like, “I am going to lose so much weight” and “perfect body, here I come!” We jumped onto trends, following viral workout routines and dieting fads. Some succeeded — I could not be more proud of their growth. Others, however, suffered tiring disappointment and guilt. They watched their Instagram and YouTube feeds fill with weight loss posts while they gained ordinary quarantine pounds. I was a victim of these unhealthy habits. I adopted extreme diets (i.e., eating nothing but eggs and labeling it “healthy”). I watched my weight fluctuate up and down seven pounds in two weeks. But this was ordinary — right?
As a control freak, I lost my mind when 2020 destroyed plans. Nevertheless, the year taught me great things. I learned more about myself, identifying my weaknesses and strengths.
Forecasting 2021 is like predicting the unpredictable. Instead of organizing and scheduling my life to the hour, I am going to move with the flow. I will be optimizing my situation and setting realistic goals.
I am no longer representing the studygram community. Though I still speak with some friends I made, I do not want to engage with promoting unhealthy work habits. I implore those acquaintances to encourage their followers to take well-deserved breaks in order to recharge and refocus.
Rather than racing to check items off my to-do list because “this is the best time to get ahead,” I am joining impactful organizations that bring aid during this confusing time. I love representing my country, my region and my school in bringing change to the world. I participate in events that truly make me happy.
I am taking safe steps to care for my health. To lose my quarantine pounds — though they really should not mean anything — I am going on walks, choosing healthy foods and baking desserts (that make me less “stressed,” because dessert is stressed spelled backwards, haha).
Good things came from quarantine, too. I enjoyed early sunrises; I joined nonprofits; I learned calligraphy (and had the chance to be featured at Muji); and I started actively reading again. I am incredibly excited to continue enjoying both books and the chapters of my life. Despite the fact that my To Be Read and to-do lists are large, and though I may not finish everything there, I will not beat myself up. Simple achievements are important — and I am pretty darn proud of accomplishing all that I had.
2020 was an inconsistent experience. If I were basic, I would compare it to a rollercoaster. Instead, I will metaphorize it to the movement of a bee — sweet and mellow, but painful for you and the insect if it stung. I am glad that it is over, but I am glad that I experienced it. Never would I have imagined changing into a completely new persona within a year — but never would I have imagined the maturation that came with it to be so important.
Like Taylor Swift says, if one thing had been different — if 2020 had not happened — would everything be different today?
Certainly.
But today, tomorrow, and the weeks after, I will continue to grow, be happy and find excitement in a year of being alive.