Graphic by Toa Heftiba
Dear ████ ,
The unanimous Declaration of my Brain and Heart, When in the Course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the bands which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the mind, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.
…
Does this feel as weird for you as it does for me? Look, I think from an outside perspective, a lot can be said about our relationship. Over the time of our friendship, I have heard all the statements and labels that this has been given: “toxic,” “not making sense,” “in need of some clarity and space,” “unbalanced,” “overly clingy” and likely the only accurate title of the bunch, “co-dependent.” I cannot deny the truth of these words. But I cannot deny how different it feels to live within our relationship compared to describing it to the world. When I tell it to other people, it is something shy and sheepish. A fear exists of someone being overly critical, ripping off the rose-tinted lenses and questioning why we live so weakly in our delusions. Each time I am forcibly removed from the pseudo-paradise we seemed to have created, shame trickles in. Shame because people think that I deserve better and that I should be strong enough to know it (only if they really understood). Shame because our relationship is blurry. A Shakespearean fever dream of sexual, platonic and romantic energy — which are all wrong because life is supposed to be monogamous and simple, right? No one should have to become three people to sustain another, this dedication of a man-made trinity to a babe who only wants more.
Altogether with our relationship, there is this weird dissonance. There’s this odd gap between my heart and my head. But, even when I know this is wrong, when I’m with you it becomes natural. Me and you feels like the salmon going upstream. Like the dance that belongs to the bees. Like the eels and the Sargasso Sea. It feels like I’m breathing, like I’m living something that a higher power picked out before we even began. Yet right now, as I have done many times in the past, I have to think. Think and question whether just because something flows it doesn’t mean it’s right, healthy or good. That maybe “us” is not right, healthy or good.
I know my weakness too well to understand that I cannot leave you alone. I think our best bet is to treat this like a duel, let’s take 20 paces apart from one another and never turn around. Neither one of us has to shoot, we are two lonely people, do we really deserve more pain? Our steps moving forward, we can form boundaries and stake claims. Attempt to round together the emotions we let roam wild and free and relearn how to be normal people. Normal people with regulated relationships and domesticated hearts.
Within this desire of change, I cannot help but feel a sense that I have been wronged. This isn’t the first time I have tried to make this into a survivable shape. I remember how I tried but you didn’t. How I moved forward but you stayed still. How I caved and looked over my shoulder and fell back into your arms. For this, I crave revenge but in my gut I know there is no justice or future in that. For now, I am humble; the steady calm before the parting. While I roam in this muted apathy, let me briefly stop from our departure. Ten steps away, I’ll dismantle the gun. Separated from your influence, I can use sense and map out the ways in which your misfires have hurt me. I’ll attempt to explain and define these wrongs before I can flicker toward firing back:
To he who decided that he would date me again, only to immediately break up with me in less than 24 hours (can you believe this almost happened twice?). He who had sent me $60 of roses on Valentine’s Day; that shouldn’t have to be explained, in what world is that platonic behavior? He who had sprinkled our texts with stickers of cute animated bears, assigning one for the both of us and using them as puppets of unrestrained affection in between our conversations (I’m deleting Milk and Mocha). He who had smothered the camera with phone kisses while we were on call, smudging the lens in this second-quick act of affection. He who had looked me in the eyes and vehemently denied my attempts to make you realize your wants, disarming me to frantically assure that you knew what love was and that this was it (it wasn’t). He who held my crying face, cradling my weak shoulders until I could rebuild myself again and speak. He who had said you wanted to know me for the rest of our lives. He who got me to say the same back, over and over like “friends.”
All this, and you ask why I can’t trust you. I was a fool once, and I have been fooled again and again and again. Your “hads” only turn into “wills,” and your “wills” turn into “apologies,” and “I” turn into an “idiot” as the cycle continues to spin. Aren’t you tired? God, I’m tired. Hamsters on a wheel, water in a turbine, shoes in a washing machine, in what world did we ever think that this would be sustainable? Hamsters die, rivers run dry and we need to put the wash into the dryer.
If I think about all of this too hard, I become violent. I would never lay a hand upon your porcelain skin, but I would think about shattering it. I want to take your bright eyes and see them wet, your lovely nose flushed and dripping, your face paralyzed in the understanding of this pain. I want you to turn into my reflection, two broken mirrors. Your weariness and sorrow matching mine, maybe then I’d feel satisfied. But you couldn’t survive half the shit you put me through. So putting away that fantasy, all I can do now is beg for mercy. Make this easy for the both of us. Take me off the burner, cut me from your dreams of the future, pull the fucking trigger. Forget me so I can forget you and maybe I can leave this with a shred of dignity.
…
I, therefore, the representatives of myself, in the Name, and by Authority of our mutual sanities, solemnly publish and declare, that this Relationship, and it’s odd and unfair states; is Absolved from all Allegiance between you and me, and is and ought to be totally dissolved; and that as Free and Independent people, we have the full Power to screw other people, stop saying I love you, respect our own wants, establish boundaries, and to do all other Acts and Things which Independent people (friends, if you’re lucky) may of right do. And for the support of this Declaration, with a firm reliance on the protection of Hearts everywhere, we mutually pledge to each other our Own Lives, our Own Fortunes and our own sacred Honors.
Sincerely,
████████