graphic by claire evans
Here’s the thing: I don’t know how to date. And I know no one actually knows how to date, but I mean I really don’t have a clue how to do this. Alongside the usual “this makes dating difficult” culprits found in this generation like not connecting well with other people or continuously getting ghosted, I’ve got something extra on my plate: I’m asexual.
I suspected that I might be asexual when I was 14-years-old but put off truly exploring that part of myself for years. Unfortunately, I had accepted the common aphobic remarks that I was “just a late bloomer” and that sexual attraction was “natural and essential.” I shut the idea down before it even had the chance to grow because I was too scared to be something others saw as broken.
Now, nearing 22-years-old with two past serious partners, a few casual dates and never having felt sexually attracted to any of them, I am not only confident in the fact that I am asexual, but I have fully accepted that part of myself. It took years of searching for books and movies with asexual characters to see if I could relate and tons of research for me to finally feel comfortable with my own sexuality, but I did it.
Now, here’s the issue. In this era of online dating, my asexuality makes finding a partner extremely difficult. It brings back an internal struggle I thought I had conquered years ago. Should I mention that I’m asexual on my profile? I know I should be true to myself no matter what. I battled my own mind for years to get where I am now: proud of my sexuality, unafraid to say it out loud, able to fight the aphobes in my Twitter mentions. But somehow bringing in the idea of dating always complicates all of that.
I go back and forth every time I open a dating app debating whether or not to be open about a major part of my identity. That nagging feeling that no one is going to like me if I say I’m asexual comes back in full force. They’re going to assume they will never get laid and they won’t bother. Or worse, they’ll tell me I just have a low sex drive and they can help *shiver.*
No thank you! But what’s the alternative? Hide it until that perfect moment comes up in casual conversation to go into depth about my identity and spend twenty minutes minimum explaining myself? Even if that perfect moment did exist, no.
So I continue the internal battle and eventually just give up. Every time I try to date again, I feel like I have taken a huge step backward in my self-acceptance, and I end up closing out of the app until the next time I feel lonely enough to start the cycle over again.
I am frustrated. I am frustrated because I just want my person, but I’m also frustrated because asexuality is so widely misunderstood that it makes the conversations I am forced to have just to date like anyone else so much harder than they need to be. It’s never just a quick, “I’m asexual.” It always comes with a teaching moment.
“Asexual people experience little to no sexual attraction. It’s not one size fits all. Sometimes an asexual person identifies as demisexual (only sexually attracted to someone they have a previous deep connection with) or gray-sexual (they rarely experience sexual attraction but sometimes do). Personally, I feel like the term ‘asexual’ suits me best since I don’t experience any sexual attraction regardless of how well I may know you. But it’s a spectrum, so there are lots of places people may fall in between. Asexuality also doesn’t always mean ‘I’m not interested in sex.’ Sometimes asexuals are sex-positive (open to having sex), sex-neutral (no strong feelings about sex) or sex-averse/sex-repulsed (definitely do not want to have sex). I am personally not sex-averse, so my asexuality doesn’t rule out sex. Being asexual also has nothing to do with romantic attraction, so that’s completely different.”
I mean, come on! I’m exhausted!
Maybe this is unrealistic thinking but I don’t want to need to educate someone on an entire complicated sexual spectrum just to be able to date. I’m sick of it.
We need more awareness and education surrounding asexuality because I’m sick of the core responsibility being put solely on asexual people. We are constantly put in vulnerable situations, often trying to teach something we barely even know ourselves. I just want to be able to date without needing to go through the nuances of an entire sexuality because it is one that isn’t deemed important enough for a mainstream audience to already know about.
If people knew about the details of asexuality already, I wouldn’t feel so terrified to announce it on my profiles, and if I wasn’t so terrified, I wouldn’t feel like I am betraying myself every time I open my dating app. So can we just do better so I can find a partner without the constant inner turmoil?