Graphic by Isa Renée
OK I am just going to say it: Finding a romantic partner is difficult. At least for me — and I can’t help but wonder why. Throughout my adolescence and now into my adult life, in any rare situation where I feel something for a man and go on to express interest in them, it just never works out. And though I often feel alone, I know this does not only happen to me. I have watched my friends go through the same thing and it never fails to perplex me. The fact that beautiful goddesses are done wrong by stinky, undeserving men is completely unbelievable, and the audacity of these men to hurt such amazing people is wildly enraging. In this personal proclamation, I wish to examine the phenomenon of why it seems that nothing can ever work. Please bear with me as I spew my frustration and stew over this weirdness that I, and so many others, have experienced, and just generally exclaim into the void, “Is it me?!” (I know it’s not.)
I am a very picky person when it comes to romantic interests. Of course I don’t mean to be, but for example, throughout high school, I never had one real crush. Sure, there were guys I thought were cute, but their personalities were not appealing to me. There was flirting, but I got bored (if I ever get a “wyd” text again … ). And there was even a spark with a good friend, but he switched the energy up so so SO abruptly — I am still confused, but not bitter. Anyway, my point is that I recognize the unlikelihood of something working, especially while the options I am personally drawn to are very limited. I admit it about myself and think it would be a lot easier if I were not this way. At this point, I have even been criticized and told to “stop with the purity tests.” People say “There are plenty of fish in the sea,” but what if the only fish that appeal to me in the slightest are just a couple here and there? I can’t just tell my conscience not to be selective. Obviously no one is perfect, but if I don’t feel it, I simply don’t feel it. And yes, one small thing, seemingly insignificant to others, can impact that and be a dealbreaker for me. I can’t force things. It’s just who I am. I can’t control it.
I also refuse to download a dating app. I have seen the wonderful things these apps have done for others, and I admire and respect it, but I’ve also been terrified by stories I’ve heard. I think that seeking romance out in such a direct way will not mesh well with who I am as a person. Since genuine interest in someone rarely strikes me, I think looking at images and words curated for this mating performance will make me feel uncomfortable and not intrigued. I also cannot imagine putting together my own profile; the thought makes me cringe. But seriously, those who have success with them, I am thrilled for you. I am passing no judgment, just reflecting on how I know for a fact I would delete it the second I open it for the first time.
In college, I have been interested in a relationship with a few different people. I have been bold and slid into DMs, shot my shot, made the first move, asked the first date question. I have had fun subsequently texting back and forth with men who I thought were mutually interested in me. But even if they were (and I guess I will never know for sure), there was always something that completely ruined it — whether I found something unsavory out, or got ghosted, or noticed a change in vibe. Even in the rare instance where I sensed a special connection and was lucky enough to talk to a guy who seemed particularly nice and unproblematic, due to a random variety of reasons, a relationship never manifested into existence. It all costs me a lot of energy that I will regrettably never get back. Then, my confidence falters. I don’t know why I get my hopes up every time, waiting for it to be worth it. What is not clicking? Why can’t anyone be respectful of my time and personhood, or be transparent and honest with me (because I promise I can take it), or communicate in a socially common-sense way, or pay attention to my boundaries and my expressions of emotions? I feel like I am not asking for too much. Is it an issue of maturity? I just do not know.
I am confident and steadfast, and I know what I want. And no one can take that away from me. … I know I just have to be patient and go with the flow. Nothing works out until something does!
I know it is not just “bad luck” because the problem is not unique to me. I don’t think I have bad taste because people with a wide variety of different tastes in partners withstand this at some point in one way or another. Also, as stated earlier, I can’t really change my selectiveness. All of this is not to say that I am perfect in any way, shape or form. I just don’t think there’s anything inherently wrong with me that makes it necessarily impossible for guys to be attracted to me. So, I do not understand the apparent aversion, the sudden disinterest, the incapability of any one seemingly good thing turning out the way I hope it will.
Even though deep down I know that there is nothing wrong with me, I internalize this disrespect or pain. In the past, this shit has had a big impact on my mental health and self-esteem. But I am not going to let it anymore. I cannot give a mere mortal man that type of power over my wellbeing. I don’t pretend to understand at all the way they choose to operate, the way they nonchalantly obliterate the only remaining dignity of anyone who crosses their paths simply because they don’t have the courage to solely say the truth about the way they’re feeling. Instead, they would rather lead her on, make her insecure, cause her to spend days unable to think about anything other than what she could have done differently. They waste her time when she could have just had closure and moved on with her life. Her previous confidence is slowly yet undoubtedly chipped away at and carelessly tossed along the path of their past. Then, they just walk away completely unaffected without any consideration, empathy or compassion for another person. It brings me so much fury and makes absolutely no sense to me, but I guess I have to accept it. Just as I can’t change myself, I can’t change anyone else.
I am confident and steadfast, and I know what I want. And no one can take that away from me. Not even myself. No matter how emo I get thinking about how I might be forever alone, I know I just have to be patient and go with the flow. Nothing works out until something does! Sorry I just complained for paragraphs, but it was cathartic for me and I hope it can be for you too. If you are going through some BS like this, I assure you that you are not alone and it will get better. We are strong and resilient, and heal from the anguish and disappointment caused by these vulnerable interactions. Don’t settle and don’t allow anyone to treat you in any way that is less than you deserve. You deserve to have your efforts reciprocated and be appreciated wholly for everything that you are. If you’re wondering “Is it me?” like I have for so many years, I’m here to tell you that it is surely not.
And to those potential partners out there missing out, I’ll conclude with some insightful words from the wise Anderson .Paak and Bruno Mars: “There’s so much love we could be making.” 😉