Graphic by Faith Terrill
As an actor, Virgo mercury, and annoying communications major who gets off on lamenting and critiquing the negative impacts of social media and the digital age, most of my education fixates on studying human connection and interaction. Between a lot of quarantine TV streaming and reflecting on the impending Valentine’s holiday, I’ve realized that this deadly trio of traits has given me A Lot To Say on the form of communication known as Sexting. To fellow baffled humans who overanalyze every aspect of human interaction, I invite you to join me in unpacking this modern phenomenon. Hopefully, by the time you’ve finished reading this, you’ll feel a bit more validated in whatever level of understanding or expertise you have in the world of 21st century dating.
What kind of experience do I have which grants me qualifications to write about this? Most recently, I could be found sending unattractive “good morning” selfies with bags under my eyes, prompting aggressive NSFW messages from a guy I barely know about “everything he’s gonna do to me, babygirl.” My most impressive sexting exchange set off 48 hours of the silent treatment after I responded “I’m lolling” to a horny high school boyfriend. I have enough awkward and laughable stories to offer a candid and judgement-free perspective. I’m here to normalize not being an expert!
“Sext education” is essentially nonexistent in formal and informal sex education, creating new challenges and issues regarding the sharing of explicit images, videos and texts, especially considering the fact that many people start participating in sexting as teenagers. There have been a plethora of cases where teens wound up with child pornography and felony charges for sharing nudes with their peers, such as the Cañon City Colorado school system case, which, in 2015, was at a loss dealing with photos of over 100 different students. Add to that the fact that high schoolers range in age, from 14-year-old minors to legal, consenting 18-year-old adults, and you’ve got a really complicated legal issue on your hands — all of this because of a modern convention with a lack of dialogue surrounding it. Am I suggesting that high schoolers should be subject to lessons on how to sext? Absolutely not. However, it is important to raise awareness of the dangers and unresolved ambiguities of sexting.
I’m not just referring to legal dangers. The stigma around sexual images (slut-shaming, anyone?) exacerbates the secrecy surrounding the topic, which leads to more unpleasant or problematic exchanges. At this point, we’ve all seen enough teen dramas to know it’s surprisingly easy for sExY images to spread (xoxo, Gossip Girl!) and cause bullying, particularly targeting women. Flying through the first season of “Euphoria” in one weekend over quarantine, this problem presented itself as Hunter Schafer’s character Jules explained that, “it might, like sound a little weird, but … it was, like, genuinely the best sex I’ve ever had,” while sexting with a guy she met online. This mysterious boy exchanged fake nudes, lied about his identity, and then revealed himself as a classmate and blackmailed Jules with the images she sent; all of these issues stemming from a relationship that had solely occurred over sext. I would hope that this type of media representation helps reveal the dark underbelly of current youth culture in some way, but it’s unfortunate that modern teens are encumbered with a whole new set of anxieties regarding sexting.
While exploring this subject matter through popular media is a start for recognizing sexting as a part of teen and adult life, fictional representation isn’t necessarily a perfect solution — especially when that media glorifies sexting without examining the potential dangers. Literally anything that’s dramatized is bound to exaggerate some element of life for a better plot. Whether it be a cop show like “The Wire” or a teen drama like “Euphoria,” descriptions of being “real” or “gritty” ultimately serve for marketing purposes to build a brand.
Not to go off on a tangent about representation, but what I’m saying is that social media and television often miss the fact that people have different ways of communicating, different levels of comfort and different love languages! For some, the ability to control how they look in images allows for more comfortable self-expression and the virtual nature of sexting is more secure or empowering. For others (like myself), the lack of a physical or in-person component makes the whole exchange usually feel unauthentic or forced. In many interactions, there could be a disconnect in texting styles, or more problematically, an uneven relationship of sending versus receiving. Additionally, also for those like my neurotic self, visions of a destroyed future or getting taken advantage of as a result of sending explicit images influences us more heavily than giving someone momentary gratification over Snap.
I understand that I may sound like I contradict myself, but that is the whole point: The stigma goes both ways! No one should feel pressured to do anything they DON’T want to when it comes to sexting, but at the same time, no one should feel ashamed for what they DO want to do. If it’s out of your comfort zone; if, like me, you find the whole virtual thing stupid and think in-person interaction is more bold or attractive; or if it makes you feel like Jules in Euphoria — your opinion is valid. Whether you’re being slut-shamed or prude-shamed or silent treatment-shamed (I’m making that a term), maybe it’s time your critics consider that the REAL problem is the ambiguous legal environment and lack of candid discussion surrounding teen sexting. The fact that it’s digital doesn’t exempt sexting from the same condition of consent or the same threats of danger as all other aspects of a relationship. Particularly in light of the pandemic’s major impact on in-person interaction, it’s high time that digital connection receives the same critical dialogue as that of physical connection.
As you navigate this holiday season in the midst of the coronavirus, allow yourself to approach (or avoid) (or make fun of) sexting on your own terms. Don’t feel embarrassed about wherever your opinions or comfort levels lie, because if your partner really knows what’s up, they’ll recognize that you owning your boundaries is way sexier than guessing how they want you to respond. If honesty is a turn-off, then maybe they aren’t a person you should waste your time and energy on. I encourage you to follow your instincts and find someone who accepts or shares your point of view; I hope each of you find your own equivalent of the lucky guy who will welcome my skeptical, analytical, blunt personality for what it is. Happy Valentine’s Day ;).