Graphic by Deon Black
Disclaimer: The research this article is built upon contains language that associates reproductive organs with the gender binary. However, we want to acknowledge that not all women have vaginas, and not everyone who faces the orgasm gap is a woman. Reproductive organs do not define gender.
OK, picture this: You’re at the club, the music is pounding so loudly in your ears that it feels like it’s ringing in your skull and you can literally feel the sweat off the neck of the guy next to you. You’re about to turn to a friend and ask if you two can just go home and watch “Gilmore Girls” together when you see him. Here’s this hot guy standing by the bar and he’s looking at YOU. After some flirty eye conversation, you walk over there and start chatting for a bit (more like screaming over the sound of a hundred people singing along to “Dance Monkey”). You two start dancing and eventually, he decides to make his move. He pulls you in close and says, “Hey, wanna head back to my place?” In this scenario, you are in a position where you can give your full consent, and this guy is pretty cute, so you decide to say “yes.” You arrive at his apartment, things start getting heated and boom: You’re having sex. Not for long though, because after about 15 minutes it’s over and he’s asking, “Did you cum?”A little bit shocked, but not wanting to fracture the ego of this man you just met like three hours ago, you say, “OMG yea, of course,” before putting your clothes back on and calling yourself an Uber home. Sad picture, right?
Well, if there’s one thing I can say to cheer you up, it’s this: You’re not alone. You’re so not alone that they actually have a name for this tragedy: the orgasm gap. “What the fuck is the orgasm gap?!” you may be wondering. I’m so glad you asked. Multiple researchers have found a gap in the number of women who report always or usually orgasming during sex and the number of men who do. Specifically, in one study that looked at male and female college students, a 52% gap was recorded between men who usually or always orgasm during sex and women who usually or always orgasm during sex. Maybe you already assumed that this was the case, or maybe you’re feeling incredibly shocked and disappointed right now. Whatever your reaction — it’s OK, grief takes many forms. But don’t worry, there’s hope! The research indicated that factors such as sexual orientation can influence orgasm frequency, as lesbian and bisexual women report higher rates of orgasm compared to heterosexual women. Additionally, the relationship between the consenting adults engaging in sex influences the likelihood of orgasm. Studies show that women in committed, long-term relationships also report orgasming at higher rates than women engaging in one-time, casual hookups. This shows us that the orgasm gap — like everything else — is intersectional, meaning not all women are affected in the same way! However, when grouped into one category, women unfortunately report orgasming at lower rates than men.
So, what the hell is going on here? Why are women, especially heterosexual women, orgasming at such drastically lower rates than men? It couldn’t be an us problem, could it? There are people who believe there may be some kind of biological or evolutionary factor that contributes to the orgasm gap, claiming that female bodies may just be less capable of producing an orgasm than male bodies (***eyeroll***). But, this is what we would call in the science world “absolutely whack.” I mean, if that’s true, Mr. Business-Major-Playing-Devil’s-Advocate-In-A-Psych-Class, then how come women are more likely to reach orgasm during masturbation? (33% more likely, to be exact.) And what about lesbian and bisexual women, what would explain the orgasm gap that occurs across sexual orientation? Victim blaming women for your own incapability to make them finish … not a cool move.
We can all help close the gap, one orgasm at a time. Research shows that communication is most important when it comes to sex — your partner isn’t going to know what you want unless you ask for it.
If the biological theorists are the frat guys and entitled prep-school kids of our humanities classes, the social psychologists are the cool people who we actually enjoy having class discussions with. These psychologists point to different issues when it comes to why the orgasm gap persists, and there are TONS of them. Many of these problems have to do with our “sexual scripts,” or social and behavioral norms regarding sex or sexual encounters. Most frequently, these scripts focus on male pleasure and either ignore female pleasure, or feed into harmful male/female power dynamics. Pornography is a huge factor into these sexual scripts being normalized and perpetuated over time. I’m not sure how much porn you have watched recently, but disgusting sex trafficking-supporting websites like Pornhub often promote videos depicting violence and degradation of women, as well as emphasize male pleasure over female pleasure during sex. Porn, and sex in the media generally, also tends to set high standards for women when it comes to both physical appearance and sexual performance. This can trigger “cognitive distractions” for women during sex, meaning that they can’t focus on what they’re doing because they’re so worried about how they look while engaging in sex — which is just another reason contributing to the orgasm gap. On top of that, women are not always comfortable with advocating for themselves in the bedroom due to social stigma or insecurity. As with many other aspects of life, women experience low self-esteem when asking for what they want; there are studies that show women are less likely than men to ask for a higher salary or claim they are qualified to run for office. Asking for what we want in the bedroom is no exception.
So how exactly do we close the orgasm gap? It may sound cheesy, but the answer starts with you! We can all help close the gap, one orgasm at a time. Research shows that communication is most important when it comes to sex — your partner isn’t going to know what you want unless you ask for it. In this article from Pyschology Today, the last step listed in how to close the orgasm gap is to “start talking about women’s pleasure, and your own pleasure, loudly and proudly,” and it describes how good sexual communication leads to good sex! This is why it is so important to experiment with yourself and figure out what you like! So go ahead and run a bubble bath, light some candles, maybe even pick up a toy if you’re feeling it. Communication is especially necessary during a one time hook-up in order to get your engine revving (and if you don’t feel comfortable communicating with that person, maybe they shouldn’t be inside of you …)!
You’ve got to own your orgasm! Closing the orgasm gap is all about making sure you get what you need in the bedroom, and the odds are, more often than not, your partner will want to give it to you. Studies show that most men want to make their partner orgasm, but aren’t sure how. Many men link their masculinity with the ability to make a woman orgasm, and many men strive to give their partners an orgasm due to their investment or care for their sexual partner. Either way, if you show your partner what to do, they might try it out! Taking ownership of your orgasm is taking ownership of your body. There is a finish line out there and you will cross it!
Picture this: You’re at the club, and there’s this hot guy who’s sending you vibes, and you’re in the position to fully consent. You go back to his apartment, things start heating up and I’ll let you write the rest…