Photo by Ana Maria
As I smoke to “Rolling Hills” by Jill Scott, I start to reflect on my heartbreak — how I lost pieces of myself, but also, allowed him access to places he didn’t deserve.
Growing up with a lack of motherly love and an absent father caused me to possess an underdeveloped meaning of love, and what it encompasses — questioning if what I had to offer was enough. Still, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.
I met him in August. Ever since, I’ve never been the same.
Suffering from low-self esteem and an overcritical mindset, desperation overtook me and let him in. My intuition knew I should’ve left him, but being engrossed in his essence made me avoid myself. It created room for his manipulations — I relinquished my crown and gave him my all, just to receive nothing.
Yet, as a young woman, I longed for his intimacy even if it was just to use me for his hormonal needs.
The fear of being alone outweighed my desire for love. The familiarity of his toxicity became an addiction I wasn’t ready to break.
Regardless of his mediocre affection, I didn’t want to lose him. I anticipated that if I yielded more to his needs, settled for what I didn’t want and granted him access again, I’d see different results. I distracted myself in his presence, hoping he’d recognize that I was the one.
I sought outside validation for my emotions, instead of my own. I knew this connection without boundaries wasn’t enough, but my codependent tendencies persisted, thinking I’d give him one more chance to meet my expectations.
Eventually, I finally acknowledged the truth that he would always treat me less than.
I had to say the last goodbye.
“If you don’t know what I’m saying then, baby I’m telling you …”
*
“Rolling Hills” correlates to my melancholy story, as Jill Scott made me understand the importance of standing in my power. By nurturing myself more, saying my affirmations daily, asserting boundaries and owning my identity — I began to see what love is to me.
Love is the willingness to expose and trust the promises that are made. The devotion to help, support and uplift each other when we’re not at our best. Listening to understand rather than to respond. Accepting the darkest parts of our souls, and the willing assistance of healing amongst each other.
I’ve learned not to settle for unrequited love — that I deserve better. He was a lesson in healing from negative mindsets and behaviors, in confronting my deep past. Nonetheless, the aftermath of that connection stripped me completely. When I next heard “Rolling Hills,” it made me emotional. Jill Scott was talking directly to me. Her message about empowering women to recognize their self-worth, being mindful of who deserves to explore all parts of their being, that we’re too precious to be misused, to value the sweetness of our nectar, that not all are worthy to sip: This was made for me, and many others with whom it resonates.
Maybe you don’t recognize what you got between your eyes
Jill Scott speaks to women’s intuition: trusting oneself through the guidance of Mother Nature herself.
I pray to always have that sense of discernment, to determine who’s for my highest good. The ability to be in alignment with my truest, most authentic self. Stepping in confidence. Speaking life into myself. Communicating my wants.
You’re a prize possession, not everybody’s worthy
I’ve realized not everyone is accessible to me because I am more than just what my body has to offer. I am a goddess that knows her self-worth, and stands independently. My vulnerability is my power. I will never let anyone invalidate what is dearest to me. Nobody will ever steal my glow; it is too vibrant and powerful for any lower frequencies to step in my way. I am a divine being that was created by the universe to impact this world, and I’ll be damned if I allow anyone to taint what’s destined for me.
Claiming my agency, finding my power in those rolling hills, has brought me the clarity I needed.
“Glow, glow, I wanna see you glow
There’s power in them rolling hills
Power in them rolling hills”