Graphic by Naima Mark
I do not consider myself a conservative person in any way. I dress how I like, eat what I want and can, at times, be known to say whatever is on my mind. However, I do find myself wondering how the way I carry myself affects my romantic life. How do people view me or my reputation? If I wear a skin-tight dress, will people view me in a negative light? If I embrace my sexuality as a woman, will prospective partners be turned off and leave me in the wind? Like my family has always said, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
In fact, there are a lot of sayings and terms like this nowadays. “Wifey material” versus “she’s for the streets” commentary on the morality of women who express their sexuality freely versus women who prefer not to, and how the latter is considered a “good woman” while the former is shamed and degraded. And I get it, society hates powerful women, but why specifically sexually powerful women? Well, my friends, that’s where lovely little Freud comes in.
In the early 20th century, Freud first theorized the “Madonna-whore complex” (MWC), which explained that heterosexual men’s ability to view women as multifaceted beings was inhibited by said complex. In other words, men with a MWC treat women’s personality traits and behaviors as mutually exclusive, including sexuality and femininity. Therefore, one cannot be sexually free or desirable while also being motherly, nurturing or respectable. Consequently, women who are attractive and desirable are not loveable and cannot be in sustained relationships. In the same way, the women who are deemed as “wifey material” or quality marriage prospects cannot be sexually desirable, or at least that’s what the theory claims. Freud himself even wrote, “Where such men love they have no desire and where they desire they cannot love.” Isn’t that sad? There are men out there who truly believe that women who are desirable are undeserving of love. And in the same way, men feel they cannot be aroused or sexually satisfied by women they are in a committed relationship with. Pretty gross if you ask me.
And this is not just a theory; It’s a real phenomena in our society. Men lose respect for women who are promiscuous or sexually liberated, and avoid committing to them in relationships. Women hide their sexuality in order to seem more “marketable” to men. Have you ever lied about your amount of sexual partners in fear of someone’s response? Have you ever avoided initiating sex with a significant other to appear less sexually driven? These, unfortunately, are symptoms of the Madonna-whore complex. There are countless examples of this theory in work: the criminalization of sex workers despite the mass consumption of their work; the idea of a “good wife” often pictured as a submissive housewife; and the slutshaming, rape culture and toxic patriarchy that pervade our lives. This theory exists not only in the minds of men in society; it lives in the words of fathers, brothers and boyfriends. It controls our policies, poisons the media and pains the hearts of people all over the world.
Honestly, I’m tired of trying to pretend that each piece of myself exists on its own. I do not have the energy to transform from good daughter to sexually empowered young woman to respectable girlfriend to outspoken feminist and back again at the flip of a switch. Who has the time for that? I’m calling bullshit on the Madonna-whore complex and its place in society. I am a woman who has a multifaceted personality and complex morals, and guess what? I’m still a good person. My sexual liberation (or voluntary lack thereof) has no effect on my ability to be a good human or my worthiness of love. I can be a good partner while still being comfortable with my sexuality. I can build a strong relationship and family if I want — regardless of my sexual history. I am a woman and I am not what Freud, society or men view me to be. And, frankly, it’s none of their fucking business anyway.