Another Crushless Valentine’s Day

Graphic by Ella Sylvie

This Valentine’s Day, I am Tired. Tired with a capital “T.” 

Breaking News! Single Girl Is Lonely on Valentine’s D— 

Yeah, yeah, yeah, we’ve all seen it before. Who am I to stand on my proverbial soapbox and complain about my endless yearning for relationships that don’t exist? You probably don’t care, and I honestly don’t blame you! BUT, stick with me, dear reader, as I am here to present a Sticky caveat that will render my town-crier-like vent session a bit more entertaining. 

I genuinely cannot tell you the last time that I had a crush on someone. 

And I’m dead serious when I say that. By Crush, I mean an actual physical tangible crush on someone. Someone in my real life who I have stomach-churning, heart-fluttering, face-blushing interactions with. 

Look, for a while I was fine with this and never really second-guessed myself. I just figured that the time wasn’t right and I would one day regain these butterfly-inducing feelings that have been locked in a decaying box since high school. 

But then I turned 20 and it hit me like an 18-wheeler. Is the time for crushes over? 

I mean really, if I’m expected to meet people off of dating apps by sorting through dating profiles with three blurry fish pictures and no bio (which is a whole other Can Of Worms, since, you know, dating apps are a Hellscape), how the hell am I supposed to develop my dream “friends to lovers” narrative when I’m already forced to meet people in a romantic context? 

I don’t know, maybe my standards are too high. 

But recently, I’ve really been thinking about this. It’s not like I haven’t encountered people that I could have crushes on. I have! But, by the time I actually realized it, said person was so far out of my life that I couldn’t reach them with a 10-foot pole. It’s not until months later (when I’m wallowing in self-pity), that I realize, hey! Wait! Come back! Why the hell didn’t I say anything to you?! 

Yet, it’s become painfully clear that my silence in these situations is purely derived from my own insecurities, especially my body related ones. Every time I’ve had a crush on someone in the past, a little voice in my head has constantly nagged at me — “Well, maybe he would actually like you if you were skinny.” A mantra that has not only wrecked my self-esteem, but has truly held me back from even kindling any crush-fueled flames that ignite within my silly little head. 

Whether or not I realized it, this self-depreciation worked itself into my subconscious, even when I felt good about my appearance. And when I would be in a potential Move-Making situation, I froze. Or didn’t think that anything could even be possible. My own insecurities made me feel like having a crush was a futile action in itself because even if I liked them, they could never possibly reciprocate those feelings. 

Which is sad! And fucked up! And honestly probably why I’m in this current predicament! 

Thankfully, these insecurities have been Slowly (emphasis on Slowly) trickling away. Like yeah, I’m 20, not fucking 50. This is the youngest I’ll ever be — I’m probably in my prime! Why the hell am I spending all of this time critiquing my appearance, when in 30 years, with wrinkles to be found in the most unspeakable of places, I’ll be wishing I had it back? Day by day, I’ve been able to chip away at the negative thoughts that have set up camp in my mind for years. My body image issues are nowhere near cured, and my mirror will tell you that for free, but I’m beginning to see myself as a person worthy of being desired. 

Despite all of this, dear reader, my issue still stands. We’re about to hit my 20th Valentine’s Day as an Existing Being, and here I am with no one to pine over once again. Yet, somehow my romantic Nullness has become such an integral part of my persona that I honestly can’t imagine myself without it. I mean, maybe it’s for the better! Crushes, while exciting (from what I remember), bring stress and doubt, which my Feeble head can barely afford on a good day. 

But damn, I can’t say I don’t miss the thrill. I’ve undergone all this mental reflection and personal development, but I’m stuck indoors due to a pandemic in the Golden Years of my life. How the hell am I supposed to find the crush of my dreams now?

All I’m saying is once I get that vaccine, hot girl Summer, Winter, Fall, Spring will promptly begin — at least I hope. 

So let’s raise our metaphorical glasses to a forthcoming Valentine’s Day with some Actual love in the air, and maybe a real crush to think about on a rainy day, rather than a random Strand Bookstore customer who held the door open for me that one time. 

And if not, WHO CARES!? I mean, I will. Probably. A little bit. BUT, regardless, each day is slowly revealing to me that I’ve been worthy of desire this whole time, even when I prevented myself from believing so. And honestly, that’s all I can ask for. 

That being said — uhhhhh anyone wanna let me know they have a crush on me before the next impending global disaster? <3