It’s a Girl Game, You Wouldn’t Understand

graphic by roxanne cubero

The year is 2001; I am sitting on a plush couch between my brothers with an unplugged PlayStation controller in my lap, pretending. The year is 2003, and I have my first nightmare after watching my brothers play “Silent Hill 3.” The year is 2006, and I am standing behind my brother while he plays “World of Warcraft,” using his Blood Elf Warlock to smite the cats and other critters, to my horror. The year is 2009, and I can download my first computer game on my mom’s laptop: “Let’s Ride! Silver Buckle Stables.” The year is 2013, and my cousins and I are playing “Minecraft” together. The year is 2020, and I have just been kicked out of my dorm room and am creating my first island on “Animal Crossing: New Horizons,” Glohaven, named after the white peaches on my shores. The year is 2024, and I inherited that first “World of Warcraft” account after my brother’s passing, creating my own Blood Elf Warlock and joining the war to project the Emerald Dream. 

Playing video games as a woman has always come with harassment and overall stigma from the men in the gaming community. From the assumption that girls don’t play video games to the idea that they shouldn’t play them because of their womanhood, there is no easy way to enter a male-dominated hobby without backlash. After 40 years of involvement, none of the stigma has altered enough for all women to enjoy the latest games in peace. Though it is different for everyone, being a “girl gamer” is putting a hobby or even business ahead of the threat of harassment.

In a 1982 issue of “Electronic Games,” an electronics magazine, Joyce Worley reported that “Women have officially arrived in the world of electronic gaming.” In the same year, it was reported that “Pac-Man” was the fan-favorite among women players, with it being the only arcade game discussed in “How to Win Video Games” that had a majority female audience. That same year, “Ms. Pac-Man” was released! Video games that took nonviolent approaches were more popular among women then, with things like “Centipede,” “Tetris,” or “King’s Quest” having over 50% women players. About a decade later, things took a more gendered approach. That’s when games related to “Nancy Drew,” “Barbie,” and “The Baby-Sitters Club”—those quintessential games that I grew up with—debuted. 

During and after the COVID-19 pandemic, there was a boom in video gaming among women, with a 20% increase during the pandemic. Being at home seemed to affect the way that everyone enjoyed their hobbies, with it feeling more acceptable to try and quit things (RIP to everyone’s sourdough starter from that first month). In 2020, women made up approximately 41% of all gamers in the U.S. For many, the pandemic presented a unique time in their lives when they were exposed to and encouraged to play video games. As face-to-face interactions were limited, the ability to socialize in new digital spaces led many women to their current careers and new favorite hobbies. 

That year, hundreds of Facebook groups emerged for women in gaming that catered to every platform and genre. RPGs, life and farming simulators, and puzzle games are the most popular categories among women, meaning there were tons of groups that I found myself drawn to. I joined a few for “Animal Crossing” which allowed me to make online friends to share peaches and pears with, sell my turnips to, and even trade off all the ugly villagers on my island. The group, called “Nintendo Queens,” plays everything from casual, cozy games to “Fortnite.” They complete daily challenges together, hold tournaments for “Mario Kart,” and compete in ranked matches of the latest first-person shooter games. Playing games was a way for women to find both friends and respite from the rapidly changing world. Cozy gaming skyrocketed in popularity and, with it, the ideas of safety and softness became important to many players. When thinking of what makes a “girl game,” it boils down to how it’s played. 

Many women have formed groups for games, spending all night playing together like we imagine middle school boys do. “Fortnite” has become one of the most popular locales for this, as it is a free game available on all platforms, but the brightly colored first-person shooter game has something else going for it: the ability to be better than the overly aggressive men also playing. The harassment that women face in online gaming spaces, whether they stream them or not, increases exponentially the moment that voice chats become available. “Fortnite” might not have the stigma and reputation of “Call of Duty” lobbies circa 2011, but many casual players are put off from team play and voice chats unless they know the people due to harassment. Reddit users in the r/GirlGamers sub remark that it’s rare to be put into random teams that are friendly and don’t immediately demand that mics be turned on. While it’s unfortunate that there is such a risk of harassment in a game that many women love, it does make it all the more satisfying when we’re better than them. Player-versus-player content is always better when your opponent doesn’t think you can beat them. 

While it is a stretch to say that every game can be played in such a way, over time the idea of coziness has become equated with the way that women play video games. Things like “Cozy Grove,” “Bear and Breakfast,” or “Nintendogs” have embodied these qualities, where the emphasis is on you having a good time doing whatever you choose, be it collecting every item or only finishing the main story. Gaming like a girl is a way to reconnect with or rediscover aspects of your childhood that were missed simply because you didn’t have the opportunity. For many women, that need for comfort and reconnection with themselves are the primary attractions to video games, and that becomes part of what it means to play games “like a girl.” The goal in gaming like a girl is not always to win but to play in whatever way is the most rewarding for your inner child.

I grew up on things like “Minecraft,” “World of Warcraft,” and “Skyrim,” but what was different in how my male relatives played them and how I did? My friends and I would build battle areas next to our lovely pink hotels and fairy horse farms in our “Minecraft” worlds. We lived for the thrill of battle, making sure we had the strongest enchanted items while simultaneously downloading mods that made the armor look like bow-covered dresses. It has remained that way: The realm my friends and I made a few years ago still has a beautiful pink glass fishing hut next to a black and purple gothic enchantment tower that is surrounded by captured creatures. Normal stuff, right? With “World of Warcraft” (something that I’ve gotten back into since the loss of my brother), I have noticed that I enjoy playing characters where I can have pets and the cutest armor outfits. You have to have cute outfits for when you solo every demon king and dungeon—that’s just how it works. The other men in my life with whom I play both of these games have expressed a need to win more than anything else; no matter what the end may look like for the game, it needs to be a resounding victory. In direct contrast, many of the women in my life share my outlook on games acting as decompressors, as a means to enjoy themselves rather than prove something to everyone else.

In games like “Skyrim” or “Stardew Valley,” I find the ability to romance everyone and still just wander about doing whatever you want (even if that includes ignoring your children) is the true sweet spot of girl gaming. It’s all about escapism, shoving off real-life responsibilities (and even in-game ones) to romance the wizard Rasmodious in “Stardew” or the hot vampire lady in “Skyrim.” In these games, you can live a life free of guilt about the things you would potentially worry about. I may not know how to slay a dragon, but I would figure it out if it meant saving that one vampire lady and running away into the sunset. To play on a huge pixel farm with your friends across the world is much more satisfying and rewarding than going to work or school, sometimes. These games have sparked communities of modders and casual gamers alike to explore facets of comfort in gaming that are not always obvious. “Skyrim,” specifically, is mainly marketed toward men, but the ability to add butterflies that heal you or even shift your favorite swords into fairy wands echoes that earlier ability to find coziness within a game. 

Playing games “like a girl” doesn’t mean to say that we are lesser players than our male counterparts, but it does acknowledge the vast differences in the play styles and the ways that we enjoy things. There are hundreds of female gamers who treat Old West-themed RPG “Red Dead Redemption 2” as a horse-riding simulator and are admittedly making horse girls’ dreams come true. Moon Channel, a YouTuber who creates gaming video essays, made a video about the gaming industry not making good girl games. 

Although Moony is a straight cis-gendered man, he comments that, for most men, the fact that there is a lack of girl games may never cross their minds. Maybe we should have petitioned to make the “Star Stable” games better or more accessible, but the way that the market was built forces us to play games like they’re “girl games” rather than what the box describes. You can play “Elden Ring” as a dress-up game, “Cult of the Lamb” as a chance to sacrifice all of your least favorite exes and immortalize all of your crushes, “Legend of Zelda” like a fashion show, and “Animal Crossing: New Horizons” as a way to have the creepiest graveyard island that a girl could dream of. Playing games like a girl is an art. Somehow, most people just don’t get it.