Graphic by Hannah Palladino
Throughout the past decade, I’ve heard testimonies detailing the powers of Adele’s music from others. She understood them, somehow articulating all their emotions with every lyric and melody, but I never felt the same way … until this year.
For the first time in my life, Adele’s lyrics both spoke to my soul and shattered my heart. I’ve jokingly screamed her songs during late-night drives with friends, feeling the dramatic emotions and performing each line as if I were the star in her music video. It’s always been fun to belt out sad songs when you’re not actually going through heartbreak — getting into character and screaming about the male species add to the comedy of it all. But this time around, as I matched Adele’s low pitch and serenaded my best friends with the lyrics of “Someone Like You,” I realized exactly why so many people feel emotionally connected to her music, as if she knew exactly what you’re feeling and decided to write about it.
Recently, I closed a chapter with someone I had talked to all day, every single day since April 2020. I wish I was lucky enough to say that I experienced going on dates, holding his hand and every other simple, intimate moment that two people could share, but he lives 1,000 miles away. There have been countless times and sleepless nights I wanted to pack my things, drive to JFK and catch the next flight out. With each 11:11, my deepest wish would be for us to magically unite and fulfill this long-awaited love story.
But unlike a Disney fairytale, the heartbreaking reality of the situation hit me. He told me he found a potential girlfriend. “I heard that you’re settled down / that you found a girl.” I scanned the words, “I have to take this chance while I have it. It doesn’t come across for me often,” over and over like a horror scene where you’re beyond terrified but can’t look away. He previously confessed how he had never gotten to know someone as he had with me. He often felt judged based on surface-level things, like the car he drove, not giving him many chances to truly connect. “I heard that your dreams came true / Guess she gave you things I didn’t give to you.” If it wasn’t a matter of miles, I could give them to him, too.
The days leading up to our last conversation, I impatiently checked my notifications, awaiting his messages, but was only met with short responses nearly 24 hours apart. “Old friend, why are you so shy? / Ain’t like you to hold back or hide from the light.” Considering our routine of full, in-depth conversations throughout the day, the sudden shift hinted at a possible change awaiting. “I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited / But I couldn’t stay away, I couldn’t fight it.” In the spirit of just sending it, I said, “If you don’t want to talk anymore, you can tell me. I just don’t want to waste my time.” At the end of the day, I felt entitled to some explanation. After revealing that he didn’t want to harshly cut me off and expressing gratitude for our relationship, I understood that his intention wasn’t to hurt me. “I had hoped you’d see my face / And that you’d be reminded that for me, it isn’t over.” At the core of it all, romance aside, he’s one of the best people I’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. He came into my life after two traumatic experiences with greedy lowlifes whose only objectives were using my body. His endless respect and consideration signified who gentlemen are supposed to be — rebuilding the hope and trust I could place in men again. We connected on a personal level and shared everything with each other: our career goals, pet peeves, insecurities, biggest fears, Wawa orders, friendship drama and everything in between. Reflecting on these moments, I reminded him just how much he means to me and that I would always be there for support of any kind.
“Put yourself out there and don’t be afraid to take some risks,” he said. “Never mind, I’ll find someone like you.” Going forward, he’s the standard I will compare all future partners to: asking about my day and telling me about his, giving good advice or just listening when he can’t offer any, saying “be safe” on the train, sending pictures of sunsets because he knows I love them, respecting my commitment to school, encouraging me to get off my phone and stop procrastinating, trusting my knowledge of baseball, supporting my aspirations, opening up about his feelings and worries, asking for my input, getting to know my best friend and having her approval, and being the type of man I’d bring home to have Sunday dinner and watch a football game on the couch with my dad.
He deserves nothing but endless happiness — even if it’s not with me. “I wish nothing but the best for you, too / ‘Don’t forget me,’ I beg / I remember you said, / ‘Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.’” Despite the rocky destination, the journey had an incredible view.
It feels like just last week I messaged him for the first time at the beginning of quarantine. “You know how the time flies / Only yesterday was the time of our lives.” Because I spent each day tanning in my backyard under the 60-degree Brooklyn sun, my kickoff to summer belonged in April. “We were born and raised in a summer haze / Bound by the surprise of our glory days.” He’s surrounded by an endless tropical climate, but my limited summers are bliss. Warm rays on my skin, hot sand under a beach towel and salty ocean breeze create the perfect combination to ease my senses and feel at peace. Paradise isn’t always pure relaxation though; sometimes it’s the excitement of building a relationship from uneven grains to sandcastles. “Nothing compares, no worries or cares.”
I’ve wondered if there’s anything I could’ve done differently. In the middle of a pandemic, was developing this relationship even possible? Nonetheless, everything happens for a reason and I hope that this part of the story is merely intermission, not the final curtain. “Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made / Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?”
I’ll miss his part in my daily routine. I’ll miss seeing his eyes shift from light green to blue depending on the shirt he’s wearing, how perfectly messy his hair looks after a long day and the way he cuddles up with his dogs in bed. I’ll miss hearing about his days on the lake with his grandparents and how he wants a love like their inseparable 60-year marriage. Most of all, I’ll miss the way his full lips curve from ear to ear when he smiles at my jokes.
I hope the lucky lady in his life values every moment they share, not taking a single second for granted, because I sure wish it could be me.
“Never mind, I’ll find someone like you / I wish nothing but the best for you / ‘Don’t forget me,’ I beg / I remember you said, / ‘Sometimes it lasts in love, but sometimes it hurts instead.’”
While screaming these lyrics ached my vocal cords and sensitive heart, I found solace knowing that at least one other person, even if it’s Adele, understood what I went through. Hopefully, though, the next one that hits as close to home is “Lovesong.”